Dear The Client,
I understand that you think I need to sit down with all 4,000 of your employees, learn the intricate details of every workflow, and memorize the exact number of paperclips in your supply closet before I can even think about helping you. I truly do. But I promise you, I don’t.
I checked.
Oh, and the fact that I don’t speak your language at a PhD level? That’s not the dealbreaker you think it is. Turns out, I don’t need a perfect grasp of your unique dialect of “Corporate Chaosese” to build a strategy. Funny how that works.
Your obsession with inane minutiae is just another symptom of the same problem: you can’t see the damn forest because you’re too busy naming every single leaf. Strategy isn’t about perfect taxonomy—it’s about making decisions, taking action, and leading.
GASP
But hey, if you think booting me off the project because I don’t conjugate gobbledygook to your liking is going to magically turn things around, be my guest. After all, it’s much easier to blame me than to admit the truth: no one in your organization is willing to actually take the wheel.
And speaking of the wheel, what I need is for someone—anyone—to grab it and steer. Instead, you’ve opted for the bold strategy of drowning in details and waiting for democracy and consensus-building to save you. Spoiler alert: it won’t.
Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, crafting strategies for clients who understand that leadership is about setting a direction, not forming a cuddle circle.
But please, keep sending me Janet-from-Accounting’s latest manifesto on “alignment.” Riveting stuff.
xoxo,
The Consultant Who Doesn’t Need a Rosetta Stone to Spot a Stall-Out
Dear The Former Client,
"You see that iceberg over there? We might want to steer clear," I suggested, with a wary eye.
No..no..you wouldn't have it - none of it. The allure of the shiny was too captivating.
"Forget the iceberg; what about these lovely deck chairs?" fervently rearranging them as if our very survival depended on their layout.
Now - here we are, in a cold embrace. Shiny objects lie alongside our lofty aspirations, strewn across the North Atlantic's floor, outshined by the haunting glow of missed opportunities.
With a smirk and a tip of the iceberg,
The Consultant who saw the iceberg but was told to rearrange the deck chairs.
Dear The Client,
I applaud your commitment to "breaking down silos" in your organization. However, your approach of mandating all departments to use a single, shared Google Doc for their annual strategic plans was, how shall I put this… a masterpiece of chaos theory in action. Watching sales, marketing, R&D, and HR try to align their goals in one document was like observing a group of toddlers negotiate a peace treaty with finger paints. By the end of the week, the document had evolved – and I use that term loosely – into a digital battleground, complete with passive-aggressive comments and emoji warfare. Your initiative did not so much break down silos as it did confirm that some people should never be allowed to collaborate without adult supervision.
Love, The Consultant navigating the wreckage with popcorn.
Dear The Client,
Your insistence on having real-time, 3D holographic team meetings to "enhance collaboration" in a project about spreadsheet optimization was… innovative. Especially considering half the team struggles with basic video conferencing. Watching senior management attempt to "pass" virtual documents was a highlight of my career. Reminded me of watching toddlers play "hot potato" with a grenade.
Love, The Consultant who now understands why the future of VR in meetings is, thankfully, not yet upon us.